The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers