Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

Wow 🤣

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

mathematically impossible

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno