Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
You Might Also Like
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds