Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

Her: She’s a ten but she-

Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

ME: these fireworks are so quiet

WIFE: those are palm trees

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you