The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
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Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.