Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

I went from rags to one rag.

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

#catsoftwitter

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

North and South

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.