Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

Please enter new password

Me: Candy123

Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password

We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$u

Me: Candy123!

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters