Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?

“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”

Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours

T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*