The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
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Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account