Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
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Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.