The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
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Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
😂😂😂
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”