Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.