The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
You Might Also Like
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
like swimming in quick dry cement
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
how do i lose 30 pounds without cutting out baja blast, coffee creamer, and my ritual of eating 400 calories worth of candy at 11pm???
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*