The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
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At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.