The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
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The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
long lost
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Meme Monday.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
