The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
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In case you needed to hear it:
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“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.