Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob

Me: Why?

11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes

𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone