Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

*plot twist*

plot: ouch!!!

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

Anarchy

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-