Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*

Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs