Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs