The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Me when I hear gossip
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
How it started How it’s going
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
