The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
