The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
You Might Also Like
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂