The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
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[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I hate my earbuds.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
kids play hide and seek like
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence