Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

beware of dog
(jukin media)

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers