the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
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I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”