The cycle continues
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My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
no!! no!!!!!!
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
choose your fighter
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough