The cycle continues
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Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)