The cycle continues
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The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*