The cycle continues
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Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.