Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s Times

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.