Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

When a shoelace touches your ankle

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”

Me: “Sleep.”

7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”

Exactly.

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”