The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
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My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind