Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.