If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
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Her: How in the world did we max out the credit card??
Me: Beats me
*pushes $20K worth of Care Bears under the bed
Caller: Is Mr. Rock available?
Me: Yeah, hold on.
*hands phone to 5yo*
Me: It’s grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.
Just for the record … the medical term for injecting disinfectants into the body is called “embalming”.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …
“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
MARRIAGE PROPOSAL TIP: Get down on 1 knee. Ok, now the other. Great! Lie flat on your face. Quickly roll away don’t get married you idiot.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.