@thisislizz

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

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@ddsmidt

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

@vexroid

Her: How in the world did we max out the credit card??

Me: Beats me

*pushes $20K worth of Care Bears under the bed

@TheMichaelRock

Caller: Is Mr. Rock available?

Me: Yeah, hold on.

*hands phone to 5yo*

Me: It’s grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.

@joanwilsonorg

Just for the record … the medical term for injecting disinfectants into the body is called “embalming”.

@SteveKoehler22

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

@Sam_Alan33

MARRIAGE PROPOSAL TIP: Get down on 1 knee. Ok, now the other. Great! Lie flat on your face. Quickly roll away don’t get married you idiot.

@IamEnidColeslaw

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

@3dog101

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

@lmwortho

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.