Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
You Might Also Like
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
stop naming your babies James. name him Jame. he is one Jame.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”