@thisislizz

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

You Might Also Like

@genehunter1

Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.

@fro_vo

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

@IamEnidColeslaw

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

@mydmac

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

@junejuly12

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

@Schindizzle

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

@LizHackett

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

@seamusmckracken

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”