The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
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[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…