Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.