Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

🧠

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall