Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

Worst perfume name ever.

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*