Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine