The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
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My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Imma just leave this here…………
