The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
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I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school