The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
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no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.