Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you

Me: *sighing* again?

Boss: again

Me: *spins his chair*

Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.