Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

My dress code is business-casualty.

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

accurate

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

[first date]

Him: What are you passionate about?

Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.

Him: Animals?

Me: Haha. Sure…

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.

“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed