Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT