The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
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You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.