@robdelaney
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
@platinumjones
the dance of freedom. the death bells. the rising of the joker.
one of the most magnificent, sublime, monumental, extraordinary scenes in cinema history
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@robdelaney
@HoarseWisperer
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
@Browtweaten
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
@petemandik
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
@parilani
friend: you ever need anything lemme know.
me: okay thanks
friend: you need a potato?
me: uh
friend: i have three potatoes
@AndyAsAdjective
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
@R0ckG0d88
If Target didn’t want anyone singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” into a hairbrush they shouldn’t have it playing over the store intercom.
@Gooooats
My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating.
@impaulmccoy
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
@theSolemnBard
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef