4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
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4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
friend: you ever need anything lemme know.
me: okay thanks
friend: you need a potato?
friend: i have three potatoes
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
If Target didn’t want anyone singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” into a hairbrush they shouldn’t have it playing over the store intercom.
My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
ME: My compliments to the chef