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“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away