The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
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Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
doing your own taxes
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
