The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
You Might Also Like
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
🖕🏻👽
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
WTF
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!