The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
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I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
Realize this:
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.