The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
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Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
