The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
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The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.