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If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.