Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I usually take an afternoon nap

Interviewer: what? why?

Me: have to sober up for the drive home

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him