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Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
S O O N
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne