The dark side of Canada
You Might Also Like
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn