The dark side of Canada
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My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
