The dark side of Canada
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Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
is this a warning or an offer?
me hitting on a model
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
that colleague who touches your screen
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?