The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
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responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.