the dark web is just a goth google.
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Come back with a warrant
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me