the dark web is just a goth google.
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“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
Story time
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
what
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”