The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
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At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume