Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”

(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich