Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

“It got weird, didn’t it? ”

*Leaves on a pogo stick.*

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.