The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
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Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Ok but actually
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!