Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.