Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.

My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

[ping pong]

ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

As a doctor, I can confirm

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.

me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent