The date had been magic.
We moved to her couch & kissed.
That’s when horror struck as my eyes locked on the Duck Dynasty DVDs on her shelf.

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Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire


A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment.

Bros before hoes.


My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors


I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*


1990’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up again*

2020’s: *gets knocked down* *gets up* *washes hands* *burns clothes* *initiates contact tracing*


Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?


My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed


I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.


Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring