The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
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Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…