The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
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If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.