The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
You Might Also Like
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
SONOFA
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Eating for two.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
[adds another nod to the conversation]
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
bat life
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.