The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
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socratic questions
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Safety first
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Encore…
yea so i messed up lol
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Chicago sounds lovely.