5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
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ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I just saw mashed potato referred to as Irish guacamole and I am done
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.