@anerdonfire2

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

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@bourgeoisalien

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

@Reverend_Scott

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

@ilovepie84

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

@envydatropic

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

@AbrasiveGhost

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

@GingerAtLaw

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

@madd_sarah

I just saw mashed potato referred to as Irish guacamole and I am done

@oxygenplug

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

@Hudibrastic

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.