The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
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My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.