Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?

Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.