The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
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Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
