The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
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That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Rooting for the overdog
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
