The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
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*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.