The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
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I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!